The discussion on whether to have a child or not is one thing.
The decision to expand that family is another.
Eric and I always knew we wanted to have children, in fact, when we were teenagers, Eric knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything when I grew up. I was more eager to start that family than he was, but we agreed that the timing was right for us after a little while and so we started our family and got Henrik.
I always wanted my children close, probably because my sisters and I are close in age and I liked that dynamic. But, I also wanted to get it over with too, there's a lot of physical demand that happens to a woman when she has a child, and I thought, if I had them right in a row it would be better in the long run (the jury is still out on that one). So, when Henrik turned one, we decided to have another child. There was never any doubt about having Theodor. Once we had one kid, we knew we wanted another for playmate reasons, shared childhood experiences, sharing, etc. but the conversation changed after Theo was born.
I still wanted a third, badly. Eric, on the other hand was more content than I was. It took two years before our conversations got serious about having another baby. There were days where I'd look at Eric and he'd rattle off numbers and stats and facts like: having another one would cost us this much. Or having another child means we wouldn't sleep again for like, three more years. Or, we're almost out of diapers and the boys can get themselves a snack, why go back to the beginning. And while I not only respected his facts and opinions, my heart couldn't stop aching, and I couldn't turn off the baby thoughts in my head. Trust me. I tried to turn it off. I never wanted to have another child if my partner wasn't on board, so I thought, "Yes. I am more than happy with the two I have. They are healthy, happy, smart, adorable and perfect so why risk a third." Or, I would take a step back when we were out as a family of four and I'd see how easy it was to each have a child in tow. And I saw how the family 4-Pack was something that almost every place offered, there isn't such thing as the 5-Pack.
And then, I would take an honest look at everything, and I still wanted one more. It didn't help that Henrik would say things like, "Our family isn't big enough yet" or Theodor would say, "I want a sister". And while I knew I couldn't have another child based on what a then three year old and two year old were saying, and I knew I couldn't promise them a sister, I was thinking about the words they were implying, or at least what I was hearing.
Eric and I had many conversations about that third child, sometimes they were more polite, sometimes they weren't, sometimes there were tears, sometimes we rolled eyes at one another, but at least we were committed to making the decision together. And, one day, the conversation changed. Eric said he was OK with having another child. At first, I was in shock. It had taken two years to get the answer I wanted and for a moment, I thought it was out of guilt he had changed his mind. Then I freaked out. Are we really going to add another child to this crazy family? Is that really what I want? But when I looked at Eric, who was calm and content, I knew that this was the right thing.
So, after two years of talking about it and almost three years in between them...
We're expecting! We are all excited and beyond thrilled to add to this crazy and wild group of kids. And that's why the blog has suffered so much these past few months. Not for lack of content, that's for sure, but for lack of me being able to stay awake! This pregnancy is going well, and in a few weeks we will be able to find out if the boys get their wish of having a sister, or if life will get even more exciting with three boys.