Friday, June 21, 2013

Just Let Me Poop In Peace

The kids have juice, a snack, fresh diapers and have peed off the deck. They have toys they haven't seen in a while, an episode of Octonauts and phew,  I'm ready. I assume I have more than five, less than eight minutes before I have to be back. I grab my phone and head to the bathroom. I close the door. As soon as I sit down and start to go, Thornado screams. It's not a danger scream, just a warning that he's unhappy. A few seconds later Hank-o-Saurus runs through the hall. Each time he lands the house shakes, then there's Thornado, he's bellowing as he quickly chases his brother and clumsily runs down Hank.

I can tell no one is hurt, but the possibility of a disaster is quickly approaching. I yell from the toilet, "Henrik, you give it back to your brother right now!" Clearly my warning wasn't going to work but it was the best I could do. Thornado starts to roar louder, Hank-o-Sarus has been defeated and starts to moan. The situation has escalated so much that I have no choice but to stop pooping (one of the worst things in the world as I see no chance of a potty break in the next five hours) and calm the storm brewing just outside the bathroom door.

"Just let me poop in peace, boys" I sigh as I redistribute toys and snacks. They look at me with big doe eyes. I just want to poop. Alone. Is that too much to ask? I'm already working a 19 hour day with limited breaks, I already have an open door policy for peeing as I try to encourage the boys to use the potty. I already have to shower with them in the tub or with them locked in the bathroom because I don't trust them to be alone in the house for the twenty-five minutes it takes me to shower, shave and do my hair.

I already have to battle them for counter space when I brush my teeth and soak up the water as they splash around in my toothpaste spit. I'm already gathering up clothes that are thrown from my dresser as I get dressed. I already re-roll the toilet paper as they spin in round and round while I pee, I already make the bed around boys as they jump on it and throw pillows on the floor to make a nest. I already have to have to share everything. Once, every month, can I have a few minutes alone in the bathroom so I can poop? Yes, everyone poops and yes, we are trying to convince our oldest son that the toilet is not the entrance to his worst nightmare, but ohmygod, can I please, have a few minutes of quiet as I try to take a private moment to myself.

I explain to Henrik that I have to poop, he asks if he can come too. I tell him that I'd like to poop alone today, just like he likes to poop in a corner, I prefer to poop by myself on the potty. I ask him to leave his brother alone. He agrees. I change the channel to Barney so that Theo can be occupied for a few minutes while Barney sings and dances and then I slip away again. I sigh, sit down and relax. I hear a knock at the door. "Momma?"

I drop my head. "Yes, Henrik?"
"Mom? Are you pooping?"
"Can I see it?"
"I'm not done yet."
"Can I see it?"


"Sure, when I'm done you can see it."
"Mom? The door is locked, I can't see it."
"I know, Hanky. I'm trying to have some privacy. Can you please wait in the living room until I'm done?"
"Oh, Okay..... Mom?"
I'm defeated. Theo is on his way and starts banging on the door. "Mommy!" he starts to say loudly. The doorknob is furiously twisting, the force on the door is actually impressive.

I'm able to hold them off until I'm done, but as soon as I open the door they literally fall into the bathroom. "Can we see your poop now?" I show them the poop, they both take a look, Theo says, "poop on potty?" I nod. Hank is unimpressed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You've got nothing to say now? It's been THIRTY-FIVE FREEKING MINUTES of you obsessing about my poop and you're just going to give a half assed look and then walk away?

I flush. I wash up. Theo pushes his way through my body to get to the soap and water. Water goes everywhere. I turn off the light and place Theo just outside the door. He runs down the hall and starts to play nicely with his brother. I'm left cleaning up water and dreaming of the day they don't care what I'm doing and coming up with a strategy for the next time. I wonder if they'd even notice if I left the door open?

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