Skip to main content

What Have I Done? Thoughts On Choosing Motherhood

I distinctly remember the night I told Eric that I wanted to be a mom. We had just come home from a wedding and were oohing and ahhing over one another, drunk on being in love. We were sitting on the couch discussing our lives and our life together when Eric asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I replied, "be a mom". He kind of rolled his eyes in a 'Well duh' kind of way and said, "but what else do you want to do?"

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother. And a teacher. When I was older I wanted to be a mother, teacher, lawyer and work for the International Criminal Court, and work for an orphanage and be a foster parent and.... the list goes on. As long as it was something to do with children, I wanted to do it. I went to college and thought I'd enter into early childhood education but I decided it wasn't for me. So I worked towards a secondary education degree and specialized in History, Geography, Communications and Political Science. Are you noticing a theme here? That dream of being a mother was still the number one priority. And I decided that being a stay-at-home mom was the most important part of being a mom. I had been a nanny and while there certainly isn't anything wrong with working, I just knew that I wanted to be the one who, day in and day out spent all of those hours with my kids.

About a month ago my youngest sister came to town for a week long visit. In that time, she was bored out of her mind. She adores her nephews but the responsibility and exhaustion from being around the three and one year old wore her pretty thin. I wonder what she thinks of me? Does she see me and ignore my education and focus only on the stay-at-home aspect of me? Or does she see how I've become a "fun sponge" who would prefer to watch Psych and White Collar while drinking wine on the couch, getting in bed by 11 o'clock? Or does she see the hard work that I put in each second of the day to make life easier for my kids and me? Or to her, is it annoying that everything I do revolves around nap and bedtime?

My 10 year High School reunion is this Summer. In the last 10 years I've lived in four states, received a Bachelors Degree, got married, worked at a gym and two different Starbucks Coffee houses, worked as an Executive Director, moved six times, bought a house, remodeled a house, had my house flood, re-built a house, and gave birth to two children. I'm almost 28 and a stay-at-home mom. Something to brag about?

I'm not using my education, I'm not working for what I set out for but I am doing my dream job. I'm fortunate enough to get to stay home. I'm not a famous lawyer nor will I ever attend Law School, but I am a teacher. Just ask my sons, we "play school" all the time. According to my sons, I'm also a baker, a chef, a "good fixer", a "maker", a "book reader", a cleaning guy, a good driver, a boo boo kisser and a good snuggler. I am a mom. There are days I struggle with the notion that I do more laundry than a laundromat. That I am a mom who drives cars in circles around a handmade masking tape track more than Jeff Gordon. I am a mom who stays up late each night so I can have more than one episode of Bones to myself. Most of that "me" time is spent posting pictures of my kids on Facebook and scouring Pinterest and the Internet for activities for the next day.

My kids consume my life. I know I let it happen more than other parents. I choose to reschedule my hair appointment because my kids are melting down at dinner and I don't want to leave them with a sitter when I know they need me. I know there are probably 100 books out there that say I'm some kind of crazy for making appointments at 8 PM so I have a family dinner with my boys and get them a bath before I leave. But I'm sure there are 100 other books that say I'm doing it exactly right. I don't care what kind of parent you are. You are the kind of parent that you need to be for your children and your family. For me, that means I feel like it's MY responsibility to raise my boys to be educated, strong, compassionate, loving, driven, and happy. I don't want someone else to do it. If it means that I don't work for 7 years until the youngest one is in Kindergarten, then fine. I've been able to spend the best years of my sons' lives with them. And I'll have seen their first everything.

So, maybe I am a fun sponge, old, or not as decorated as my former classmates, but I have a rich life, covered in mud and sticky fruit snacks, decorated with finger paint, drool and Hot Wheels cars. According to Forbes a Stay-At-Home Mom would have made $115,000 based the different types of jobs they do and the number of hours they put in. While I'm not paid in any legal tender, I am paid in sweet words, cuddles, slobbery/snotty kisses and a love that only a parent can understand. I have two people who I not only created, carried, delivered, and nursed for a whole year, but, I have also shaped into humans and continue to nurture them so that they can be the best at whatever they choose to be. To me, that's the most important job in the world and I'm lucky to have it.





Popular posts from this blog

Father's Day: A note to my Husband

Honey,  As I scramble around trying to find the perfect last minute Father’s Day gift for you, my father, my step-father, and your dad, I realized that for the last three years, your sons haven’t spent Father’s Day with their Dad. I have been with mine- all of mine,  but they haven’t been with theirs. The past three years of our life have been filled with struggle and separation, not due to marriage issues, but due to the military and the fact that sometimes, Dad’s have to be gone. When you are as young as the boys, sometimes that’s hard to understand, but now at age 5, our oldest is starting to figure it out. He often asks where you are or what you are doing. He questions why his dad has to be gone, and I am sure, that when Father’s Day finally arrives, we will have some issues to sort through with them. We’ve already sent the Father’s Day cards, but that was weeks ago to ensure that they arrived on time. But on Sunday, when they see kids with their Dad at the park or see ...

Untitled- Part Two

NOTE: This is an old post, from five years ago and I wanted to honor every woman and man who have felt pain from a miscarriage.  We found out today that I did in fact miscarry.  There aren’t really words to describe how I feel right now: anger, sadness, and exhaustion (both mentally and physically) are just a few of the emotions I’ve gone through these past few hours.  While I still clung on for hope that everything would be okay, I tried to prepare myself for this moment, but you can never really be prepared for the phrase, “complete miscarriage”.  This morning, after my shower, I stood for a long time just looking at myself in the fogged up mirror. I had already been in to the doctor for the lab work and was just waiting for results now. I examined my body up and down trying to figure out where we went wrong. I found nothing. I looked at my tired eyes and my long face trying to find that glimpse of hope that I had a few days ago. There was none. ...

A Letter To My Introvert From your Extrovert Mother

Son, As we reach Spring Break I am baffled by how quickly your first year of school has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was crying when I dropped you off at Pre-school and now, we're approaching our last day of Kindergarten. I promise you, it will be here before you know it. I am in awe of you as you come home with such an amazing vocabulary, a deep love of your "School Brother," and how you talk about how much you like all your classmates. I love how you refuse to do "Kiss-and-Go" and insist I walk you to the door, give you a hug, a kiss and give each other our little signal that says, "I love you". You walk into school so confidently, so proud, so excited for each day, even though you swear you want to stay home and spend the day with me (and by the way, I'm still flattered to hear that). When you go in that building, you are a different person than you are at home. You are confident, you are free from your brother, you are able to experime...